There's Something Up With Josh
by Fridays-Coming-Soon
Summary: WARNING: Self-harm - possible trigger . There's something up with Josh, but can his friends and family help him before it's too late? Rated T for self-harm and language.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm fine."  
"I'm just tired."  
"I've just got a headache."  
Josh was getting sick of making the excuses every single day. People would look at him through concerned eyes and worried expressions, and his mouth would open and tell them he was okay. The only other option would be to let people in. And that was the last thing Josh wanted. He'd much rather be left alone.  
Tom had noticed something was wrong, too. Josh had schizophrenia, yes, but he was on the tablets for that. This was different. There was a strange look in his eyes, a heaviness in his body language, which Tom didn't recognise. This wasn't schizophrenic Josh, but it certainly wasn't normal Josh. He was quiet, reserved, secretive and irritable. A far cry from what he used to be. _Maybe it's his medication_, Tom told himself._ I'll make an appoinment with his psychiatrist_. But Josh insisted he was fine, he'd just been sleeping funny, there was no need to worry. His father didn't know what to believe.

"C'mon Josh, get the speed up a notch!" shouted Mr Diamond across the yard. The boy was lagging behind the rest of the PE group and was sweating profusely underneath a baggy grey hoodie. "Why don't you take off the hoodie?"  
"Nah I'm okay Sir, I'm a bit chilly to be honest", Josh panted.  
"You don't look it! Just take the thing off, for crying out loud."  
"No, honestly Sir, I wanna keep it on. It's freezin' out here." At this point, Jez decided to leave it; the boy wasn't going to co-operate. He decided to have a word with him at the end of the lesson.  
When the match was over and everyone had gone inside and changed, Mr Diamond caught hold of Josh just as he was walking out.  
"Josh, mate, can I have a word?" A flash of panic crossed Josh's face, followed by his normal, blank expression. "Yeah, course Sir, what about?"  
"Well", Jez began, "I just wanted to check everything was alright, you know, after earlier..." He trailed off. He didn't really know how to continue the conversation, as he knew there was something wrong, but he couldn't put his finger on it.  
"Yeah Sir, it's all good", Josh replied with a smile that was too perfect to be real. "I just haven't been sleeping very well." That bit isn't a lie, Josh told himself. I really haven't been sleeping.  
Jez was still unconvinced, but decided to let it go.  
"Well, if you ever need to talk to anyone..."  
"Thanks, Sir, I really appreciate it. But there's nothing to worry about." As Josh bent down to pick up his bag, his blazer sleeve rode up his arm, exposing the skin.  
And cuts.  
Lots of cuts.  
Jez blinked a couple times, then registered the marks. "Josh, wait a minute -". He was cut off by Josh pulling down his sleeve quickly and visibly panicking. "Sir, it's nothing, our cat's really violent, gets a bit excited sometimes", he said, half-running off down the corridor immediately afterwards. Shit, Jez thought, did he do that to himself? He managed to convince himself that it was just an overexcited pet and tried not to think any more of it, but if anything more came of it, he'd report it to the pastoral manager.

Later, in the staffroom, as the teachers were winding down, the day's earlier events sprung to Jez's mind. "Tom", he approached the head of English, "Do you have a cat, by any chance?"

"No, Josh is allergic. Why d'you ask?" Tom replied, a frown forming on his face.  
"Oh, no reason, just wondering about... maybe getting one." Jez pulled out of the air.  
"Oh right, sorry, can't help you there."  
Something was definitely up with Josh.


	2. Chapter 2

At the very same moment as that conversation was taking place, Joshua Clarkson was sat sobbing on his bathroom floor with a razorblade against his wrist. He didn't know why he was there, or why he felt this way, but he knew one thing for sure._ He deserved this._ That's what he kept telling himself as he made long, thin incisions across his arms. _He deserved it. He was a bad person. He was a bad friend. He was useless. He was worthless._

Suddenly, he stopped and moved the blade away from his skin. Standing up to face the mirror, he lifted his top to reveal a flat, pale stomach, itching slightly from the thin material of his school shirt. He picked the razor up from the edge of the sink and pressed it against his stomach - not enough to break the skin, but enough to leave a mark when he took the ice-cold blade away. Turning to face the mirror again, he took a deep breath and dragged the razor down. Wincing from the pain, he slowly began to carve the letter 'W' into his stomach.

Five minutes later, he collapsed onto the floor, conscious but exhausted from the pain and the stress. Even though he was now drained of any energy he had left, and clearly in pain from the cuts on his stomach, in a strange way he felt better. More aware. Cutting was a release for him, it made him feel, even if what he did feel was painful. It was better than the empty numbness that hung over him like a cloud 99% of the time. Anything was better than that.  
A while later - it could have been minutes or hours, Josh couldn't tell - he rose to his feet shakily and turned toward the full-length mirror. Some of the blood had dried against his shirt and peeling it off was excruciating. Eventually, he managed to get out of his itchy, bloodstained uniform, and with a deep breath, he turned to face the mirror. And there, across his stomach, the word _WORTHLESS_ was carved.


	3. Chapter 3

The next few weeks passed by in a blur for Josh. There was a constant battle raging between him and his emotions, and everything else going on in his life was affected. He hadn't been out with Finn and Lauren for weeks, it was way too stressful for him. The shops, the noise, the people - it was impossible to think straight with all this chaos surrounding his mind. I can t stand the people, he thought, one cold evening alone in his bedroom._ They're all looking at me and saying what a complete fucking freak I am_. The paranoia overtook him like a shroud of whispered words and hidden lies. He really didn t know how much longer he could go without breaking.

Finn and Trudi were sitting side by side in English, as they usually did. Finn's mind was on the match later that evening, and how to persuade Trudi to come out with him and Josh tomorrow. He wasn't a particularly deep thinker, and he could only really recognise that there was a problem if it was staring him in the face. Trudi's mind, however, was on Josh. He was sat in his usual seat, nothing new there, but the look on his face - it was like someone was replaying his own father's death scene right in front of his eyes. He just looked so - lost, so hopeless, so despairing. This wasn't like Josh at all.  
"Finn, do you know what's up with Josh?" Trudi whispered, glancing to the side of the room, checking her voice was not heard by the subject of their secret conversation.  
"Eh? I don't know, he's probably just having a bad day. Why are you so worried anyway?" Finn replied, confused as to why Trudi was suddenly taking such an interest in his best friend's bad mood. Then again, he had been acting funny for a while now. He wasn't going out much. But it was probably just teen hormones, Finn told himself.  
Trudi wasn't so sure. "Please, Finn, can you have a word with him? There's definitely something up with him and you're his best frie-" She was cut off by Mr Budgeon's sharp tone.  
"Miss Siddiqui, I do believe that we have breaktime for a reason. Quiet" he instructed clearly.  
"Sorry Sir", muttered Trudi, still concerned over Josh but not wanting to risk being put in the cooler.  
"Now, we shall continue from page 85 of To Kill A Mockingbird. Josh, would you like to enlighten those who were on the trip what has happened in the last chapter?" Grantly said, looking at the boy. Josh, completely oblivious to the instructions he had been given, stared into space blankly with an empty expression on his face.  
"Mr Stevenson, have you gone into a catatonic state? I suggest you stop ignoring me or you will find yourself in the cooler for the rest of the day." Josh remained still, head in hands.  
Finn then realised something really was up. This was not like Josh at all.  
"Hey, Josh, mate!" he half-shouted to the boy. Josh started and looked up, realising he had zoned out. Kicking himself for not paying attention, he muttered a quick "Sorry Sir" then read the paragraph. He'd just got too absorbed in his own thoughts for the millionth time that day.

Later that evening, Finn, Josh and Lauren were sat round a table at Pizza Hut, discussing what they were going to order. It was Lauren's birthday, and the three had decided to have a small celebration on their own. Thank goodness for that, thought Josh. Less people staring and judging and asking questions.  
The waiter came to their table. "Are you ready to order yet?" The girl smiled brightly. Her namebadge read 'Clara'.  
"Er, yeah I think so", said Lauren. "Have you two boys decided yet?" she asked with a cheeky grin. They nodded. "Okay then, we'll have 3 buffets please." As she said this, she saw Josh running his hand across his wrist, looking agitated. "Are you alright, Josh?" She was concerned. This wasn't like Josh.  
"Oh, er, yeah, I'm fine", Josh said with a smile. "I'm just nipping to the loo, be back in a minute." Lauren was still worried, but she let it go. He'd be fine, he was on mis medication, everything was good.  
Or so she thought.

Josh locked the toilet door behind him and immediately dropped the act. No-one could see him in here, he didn't have to pretend that everything was okay, he could be the real Josh. Whoever that was.  
Remembering why he was there, he shifted his position slightly to reach into his jacket pocket. Rummaging around, his fingers eventually found what they were looking for. The cold blade caught against his finger, and he took in a sharp breath from the sudden, unexpected pain. He put the finger to his mouth and sucked it for a moment; the bleeding stopped quickly.  
Unbuttoning his sleeve, he put the razorblade to the side as he sat there and rolled up the thin material, exposing dozens of cuts in various stages of healing. Some were still open, others were fading and some were faded almost completely. A couple more won't make much of a difference, thought Josh. He took the razor between his fingers and pressed it against his wrist, taking in a breath before quickly dragging it across. The blood sprung to the surface almost immediately and trickled down over older scars, leaving a faint red track behind. This one was worse than some of the others; more blood was coming from it; but Josh was sure it was nothing he couldn't control. Leaning over to grab some toilet paper from the dispenser, he heard an unpleasantly familiar voice cut through the silent atmosphere. "Josh, is everything okay, mate?" Shit, Josh realised. It was Finn. I can't sort this out in time!  
"Yeah, er I'll be out in a second."  
"Okay, I'll wait here for you." No! Josh cursed under his breath. He didn't know how to handle this, so he did the only thing he could think of. He wrapped as much toilet paper as he could around the open wound, flushed the bloody tissues down the toilet and prayed it wasn't noticeable.  
Walking out of the toilet stall a couple seconds later, he was still tense and on an emotional high from that one cut.  
"Are you sure you're okay Josh? You've been acting really weird lately, you know I'm here if you want to talk." Finn said with concern in his eyes.  
"Honestly Finn, I'm fine. I haven't been sleeping brilliantly but there's no other pro-" he was cut off as Finn swore loudly.  
"Shit, Josh, what have you done to your wrist?" Josh looked down to see a spreading red stain on his shirt sleeve.  
He didn't know how he was going to get out of this one.


	4. AN

Hi guys! :D Thank you so much for the reviews! I honestly thought I wouldn t get any and you ve all made me a very happy bunny :-) I just wanted to apologise for the lack of speech marks in the last chapter - I put them in, but when I published it they all disappeared D: Trying to figure out what to do. Thanks again for the reviews and I shall update ASAP! x 


	5. Update

Hi guys!

It's been many months since I've updated this fic, and I'm really sorry! I've had some personal issues to deal with, which had to take priority. However, I'm going to start writing and updating ASAP - I've had a few messages asking about it and I apologise that I haven't got around to it sooner! If all is well, I'll update within the next week or so, but I'll have to write it first!  
Thank you all so much for all the positive feedback I've recieved - you've all been so lovely!  
Hope you're all doing well - Freya x


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